telejizzle

We watched the world's most fucked-up night of tv ever...no, not the flooding of the French quarter (see: Sodom and Gomorrah)...but a bevy of shows so unrealistically bad I can scarcely believe my memory. Was it all just a liquid-rubber-induced hallucination? Have I spent too much time inhaling translucent sealants and the ammonia reek of latex? Or did I truly witness:

1.) The VMA awards...Kelly Clarkson singing/screaming some retarded pop diddy while being doused with water...P. Diddy pretending that the night was a major success despite the half-empty auditorium, lackluster applause even from people who were paid to be there, and Green Day winning 7 of the 8 awards they were nominated for...every category having the same five nominees, just in different order...it was, I dare say, the single most retarded awards show ever...and that includes THE SPECIAL OLYMPICS! (Editor's note: The Special Olympics are awesome and the men and women who participate in them are amazing individuals who I am honored to call countrymen and heroes...making fun of the Special Olympics is the worst thing a human can do.)

2.) The Discovery Channel show about Pirates....Alright, what the fuck? I know that Pirates are cool right now, and the Discovery Channel is trying to jump on this by making more "hip", "youth accessible" programming...but there is something so deeply wrong about a vh1 I Love the '80s show about Pirates that its mere existence should be justification enough for all the wrongs ever wrought upon humanity. Memorable quotes include: “You could say Pirates were the ORIGINAL ROCKSTARS!” (Mother fucker please! That shit hasn’t worked on kids since rock was fucking invented! “You know, children, Jesus was kind of like the original rockstar!” Fuck you, Christian nab nibbler! Jesus was the original dick licker! THAT’S what Jesus was.)…”Cleopatra was like the ORIGINAL Lil’ Kim.” Ok, what the gay…when did Cleopatra ever rap about her own vagina and how sopping wet it is? P.s. Call me Lil’ Kim!....”You know, Pirate Booty was sort of like the ORIGINAL BLING BLING!” The numerous mentions of Bling Bling throughout the show were nearly as ridiculous as Paris Hilton and Bow Wow comparing their “bling” during the afore mentioned VMAs....fucking gay, that’s all there is too it.

3.) Baby Geniuses 2: Super Babies…….actually…this was pretty freaking awesome! I loved the part where the big German bad guy got turned into a baby and said, “Oh noooooooo! I hate babieeeeeesssssssssssssss!”

I seriously think everyone in tv land has consumed too much of their own semen…it must be customary to sit around, watching all the shows you made, just slurping away at a big thermos filled to the brim with your own jizz. It’s the only explanation.